Dave's Thoughts
by jennybliss
Summary: A short look into the thoughts of Dave Karofsky.


Sometimes I wonder what things would be like if I would have done everything differently. What if instead of shoving Kurt into lockers I had asked him to be my friend? What if I was nice? What if I didn't hide who I was from everyone including myself?

But I try not to live in the "what if". The only thing that gets me is more heart ach. There is nothing that I can do about it now. I just need to keep moving forward.

I tried for so long to make it all go away. I tried to be with a girl, but I just couldn't do it. I pushed Kurt until he left school. I think I thought if he was gone I wouldn't feel this way any more, but that didn't stop me from checking out other guys. I can't help if Evans has a mighty fine ass. That there is how I knew it wasn't going to go away. Well not really Evans' ass, but the fact that without Kurt to look at I just looked at other guys.

Then Kurt came back, and I thought that maybe I could make it better, but I don't think I really can. How do you make up for making someone's life hell?

I watch him move down the hall. He glides like he is above everyone around him. Nothing can touch him. At least that is what he makes everyone think. I remember the looks he would get when I pushed him, but he just kept coming back. I wish that I had that kind of courage, but I don't even have the gonads to tell my parents what is going on.

I wonder if he ever felt like this. I wonder if he tried to hide who he was from his dad. I wonder if he tried to make people think that he was into girls. I wonder what it was like when he finally told his dad.

I love my parents so much. I hate the look of disappointment that I have put on their faces lately. Right now they are talking to me. They love me. God, I would hate it if they stopped. I have this fear that if I told them they would turn their backs on me. It's not logical. My parents aren't homophobes, but it is one thing to see "the gays" on TV. They are somewhere else. Not living in their home. Not the boy who they call son. Would they still call me son if they knew?

My friend Z, if you can call a guy who know nothing about you your friend, has no idea. I wonder what he would do if he found out. Would he try to beat the "fag" out of me? Would he just walk away? Would he tell everyone in school? Would he keep my secret?

Oh god, the kids at school. If I came out no one would want to be around the homophobic fag. I really dug my self in deep. The one group that might have been ok is the Glee Club, and I have hurt each and every one of them. There is no way they would ever find it in their hearts to forgive him. I wouldn't forgive me.

Sometimes late at night I plug my headphones into my laptop and watch It Get's Better videos on YouTube, and cry silent tears. I just hope that it does. I cling to that so much. I don't know what I will do if I can't get out of this town.

At one time I thought at least there is the military, but that is not really an option. I don't want to hide for the rest of my life. I really don't. I am not even sure what I want to do. I just know that I can't stay here.

I have this dream of moving to someplace big and exciting like New York. I know it is kinda cliché, I guess if one is going to dream you better dream big. I will have friends that don't care that I like to smoke pole. I will have a job that I love, and I will never be called a Liam Loser.

Somedays I wake up and think this is the day. Today I will walk into school and I will tell everyone. I will be proud of who I really am. I will tell Kurt I am sorry, and we could be friends. I will tell my parents and they will tell me that they love me. They will laugh and say something like they are so glad it isn't drugs. Z wouldn't beat the shit out of me. He wouldn't walk away. He would punch me in the arm and say something about how that just means more girls for him. I would try out for Glee Club and they would forgive me. I would be my self and happy.

Somedays I wake up and think this is the day. This is the day I will do it. Really it can't be that hard. I have read up about it. There are so many ways to do it. I know a guy who can get just about any drug you can think of. I think his dad is a doctor or something. I wouldn't even need to get something from that guy. My grandma is diabetic. She has insulin and needles all over her place. She would miss any if I were to swipe some, but she would figure it out. She would feel guilty, and I can't do that to my grandma. Anyway I have all I need at home. I could do it at any time. I wonder if I would be missed.

Most days I just drag my ass out of bed, and hope that no one catches on. I try to keep my head down. I really on have one more year. I can get through it.


End file.
